Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
