you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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