my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
