all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
