I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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