That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
