How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This is my gift to your gina
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
