Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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