We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
