I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
