Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
