I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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