taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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