What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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