One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
