she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
