The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
In America we eat man semen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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