I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
