i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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