i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
