I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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