You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
