And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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