i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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