my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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