Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
