I think I died a long time ago.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My ATM looks so different sober.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
