your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
