i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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