You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
