i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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