chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i now understand why vodka
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
