HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
