I want to have your abortion
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
