I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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