Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
