there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found the puke drawer
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
