By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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