Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
