I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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