you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
