No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
