dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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