We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
