Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
