why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
