Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
