I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
