In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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