a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
