Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
