In the future we'll all be gay
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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