im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
