i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
